Couples where one of the partners has power over another or a serious psychological advantage is far from uncommon. And even these couples can coexist quite harmoniously and "up to the gray hair." But there are situations in which one partner constantly tolerates the behavior of the second. Moreover, it deliberately suffers, realizing that it suffers from certain actions of its “half”. This is called abusive relationship.
Is this normal, and what if your partner turned out to be an abuser?
- What is an abusive and who is an abuzer?
- Typical Abuzer - Its Signs
- Signs of a victim of an emotional rapist
- How to resist a male abuzer?
- Is there life after abusive relationships?
What is an abusive relationship - types of abuzza in a pair
By term "abusive" it is accepted to call any violent actions (a comment - any character) and the bad relation to the partner as a whole.
Abyuzer - a person who humiliates his partner against his will.
Abuser victim is a partner who tolerates bullying.
BUT abusive relationships They call such relations in which the victim of the abuzer becomes a victim completely voluntarily, and does not want to solve the problem for one reason or another.
Classify abusive relationships as follows:
- Psychological Abuse. In this case, the victim is tortured psychologically: by threatening, insulting, humiliating, etc. Gradually, the victim is instilled in her insignificance, inability to do anything at all, protect her from contact, etc. Sooner or later, the victim is completely at the mercy of the partner - and loses control over himself, his behavior, his needs and desires, life in general. This type of abuzer can be hidden and open. In the first case, the partner tortures the victim only in private, preserving in public the image of a courteous loving husband. The open abuzer does not hesitate to humiliate your soul mate for all. However, there is another type of abuzer - the most insidious. Such abusers torture their prey imperceptibly even for herself, gradually turning her life into hell and not letting it get out of it.
- Sexy Abuse Often he follows the psychological - or directly intertwines with him. For example, an abuzer can abandon “marital debt” for the sake of humiliating its victim, humiliate it directly during the execution of “marital debt”, use the victim solely as a body for satisfaction, and so on. As a rule, this type of abjuz does not imply male attention to the desires, feelings and health of a woman. The husband-abuzer does not consider violence to take what "belongs to him according to the law."
- Economic Avenue. With this type of violence, an abuzer deprives its victim of autonomy. The victim is forced to humiliate herself in order to have money even for vital items. On the road, for lunches, to replenish the balance - money has to be begged from a partner, even if a woman works (because all the money flows to the family budget, which is led, of course, by an abuser). Good fashionable clothes for an abuzer victim come to nothing - the victim must feel like a monster that neither cosmetics nor clothing will save. The goal of the economic abuse is not only to humiliate the victim and make them “ask”, but also to fully control them. Often, victims of economic abuses cannot change their lives just because they simply do not have enough money for this. For example, an abuzer works and controls everything, and the victim meekly awaits him at home. She is forbidden to work, to spend money on her own, to make financial decisions, and so on. Abyuzer himself pays the bills and solves financial problems - but not from great care, but to deprive the victim of any independence and any social ties.
- Physical Abuse. This type of violence in relationships is already considered beyond good and evil, and the law. This is the worst option, in which not only injuries occur as a result of the abuser’s aggression, but also death occur. Naturally, any manifestation of physical aggression, be it beating, or a sudden slap in the face, is written off by the abuser to the "state of passion", in which he remained, of course, due to the fault of the victim himself, shamelessly and brazenly provoking the partner. An abuzer is never to blame for anything, even in a handshaking - it always comes off dry. It is important to understand that permissiveness gives rise to impunity - and if the abyzer is not repulsed in time, aggression is inevitable, and psychological abusion can quickly develop into all other forms.
Video: Abyzer victim is to blame?
Typical behavior of a male abuzer with a woman - signs of an abuzer
How to understand that you live with an abuzer?
You can determine this "parasite" of your life by the following symptoms:
- You are being manipulated.
- You are constantly put in conditions when you have to choose (naturally, in favor of an abuzer and a "family" with which abyusers always hide behind).
- You are often blackmailed.
- You are controlled in every sense and in all areas.
- Your external contacts have already been reduced - or gradually reduced - to no.
- You have "one email for two" and no passwords on phones and computers, because "between us there are no secrets, dear." In fact, mail for two is one of the facets of control, and not an indicator of mutual trust, simply because there are things in life that you want (or should) hide even from your second half. Using one mailbox for two, you can’t be natural in correspondence, you can’t say more than the shared mailbox allows (you’ll read it), you can’t share it with your girlfriend or close problems, and so on.
- You constantly report on your actions. Most likely, you think that this is normal and even "cute", because "he is worried that something will happen to you." But in fact - you are under total control.
- When you feel bad or not in the mood, he is angry. When it’s bad for him, you don’t just dance with a tambourine, so that he would rather get better and easier.
- When he refuses sex - he is tired and can be understood. When you are tired or feel bad - he doesn’t care, he will "take his own" anyway, because he has a right.
- Only the victim is guilty of any problem. Abyuzer - never. He will find a million proofs that it is you who is to blame for all the bad things that have happened, that happens, or that will happen in the future.
- He does not allow you to wear short skirts, because "maniacs are everywhere," and to be beautiful, because "you do not need this, and in general only women of easy virtue use cosmetics."
- He gradually suggests to you that you are a frigid log in bed, “so-so” on the scale of female beauty, a bad mother and mistress. Slowly but surely, the abuzer inspires the victim that she is a worthless creature, useless and not capable of anything.
- He does not care about your life principles and your opinion. "I am a man, and only my opinion matters."
- He envelops you with his help even where it is not needed, and gradually you become not only helpless, but also from all sides “obligated” to him.
- He likes to talk, complain, speak out, complain, share his thoughts, but he will never let you finish your thought to the end. You have no right to complain, because “to complain is a sin”, “don't wake up famously” and so on. However, this system of "double standards" is present in your relationship everywhere.
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Of course, the symptoms of an abyus are much larger, and there are more difficult “clinical pictures” when it comes to sexual — or even physical — abjuse.
But it is important to understand that even 4-5 symptoms from this list are an occasion to urgently think about whether everything is in order "in the Danish kingdom."
And if all the items coincided with you, then it’s time to just pack your bags - and run before it’s too late.
Signs of an abyzer victim, or an emotional rapist - have you become her?
Regardless of the type of relationship with the victim, the abuzer always fascinates her first, enveloping her with care, caress, attention, entering into trust. The actual abyuz begins only after the partner has complete power over the victim.
Abyuzer pushes his victim into a corner and into isolation, professionally creates a “caring” defense around her, chopping off everyone and everything that can affect his victim - and only then shows his true nature.
There is such a thing as gaslighting. This phenomenon is a manipulation tactic, thanks to which the abuzer easily convinces its victim that it lives correctly, does not tolerate, but loves, and the whole situation is natural and absolutely normal. And all the "left thoughts" - this is from the evil one.
The result of galayting is not only the accretion of the victim with a constant feeling of guilt (for example, she is afraid to say no to her husband, to offend her refusal, to leave, to make her own way, and so on.), But also the appearance of mental disorders.
You are definitely an abuser victim if you ...
- Afraid to go partner in defiance.
- Constantly feel guilty for anything.
- You think that you can’t do without him (or he without you).
- Growing complexes, consider yourself ugly, loser, etc.
- Allow him to be a tyrant.
- Endure all humiliation and bullying.
- Take all the blame for what is happening. For example, when he yells at you that there is a mess in the house, although you work 12 hours and simply did not have time to clean up (and there is no strength for cleaning), you feel guilty and run to correct "your mistakes" because "a man should not live in a stable. " However, it was you, not he, who otpahali his shift and returned home without strength.
- Feel your dependence on him.
- Often have fear of your partner.
- Believe that you deserve all the humiliation, resentment and other "Joys" of family life.
It is important to distinguish the abyus from the sincere concern of the partner about you.
It is clear that if a man cares about you, experiences and surrounds you with attention - this does not mean that he is an abuzer. But be careful: if you start to tolerate resentment, lose self-esteem, lose social connections and yourself - this is an occasion not only to be wary, but to take urgent measures.
Video: Husband - Abuzer! How to be?
How to resist a male abuser in a relationship, is it worth re-educating - or should you just leave?
If we are already talking about physical abuse, there is nothing to talk about here - you need not just to run away from him, but also to punish so that no one else suffers.
If we are talking about the psychological nature of abusive relations, then it all depends on ...
- As far as the victim is a “masochist” (it is possible that the victim feel like a victim).
- As far as the situation is true (maybe he doesn’t have any abuser, but really loves you?).
- Or what are you ready to save your family and not let your partner turn you into a sacrifice.
Of course, it is extremely difficult to resist the abuzer. These are skillful manipulators, and the given psychological tactics are in their blood, and not from trainings and courses.
If a woman is blinded by love, she will not notice how she gets into the network, from which it will be extremely difficult later to get out.
In addition, it is important to remember that the Abuse is itself dangerous with certain consequences:
- Physical suffering.
- The development of mental disorders.
- Lack of confidence in men in general.
- Loss of interest in life.
- And worse consequences, which we will not mention.
If you suspect an abuzer partner, then ...
- Let me know right away that this number will not work with you. Defend your independence in all areas and meanings, do not let yourself be controlled.
- Ignore his manipulative tactics. The lack of effect and reaction quickly cools the abuser’s head, after which it either calms down (which is rare) or searches for a new prey.
- Do not allow yourself to tyrannize in any form. Even humorous insults should be stopped.
- If you decide to re-educate your student, remember that it will take years., and without the help of a therapist you will not do.
In the Russian mentality, in family traditions, there is such a thing as the need (for a woman!) To tolerate any “problems” (including the character of a spouse, humiliation, etc.) for the sake of a family.
Remember that no one will give you back the spent nerves, nor years, nor self-esteem. If you feel that the situation comes to a dead end, from which you can not get out - break the relationship without regret before you become a victim!
Is there life after an abusive relationship, and what do you get when you get rid of the abuse?
The most important thing that a woman gets after breaking off abuzz relations is the freedom of the individual, the lack of control, humiliation, and perspectives in life that have been taken away or blocked by the abuser.
Of course, the longer the abuse lasts, the more difficult it will be for a woman to merge into a new life, which will have to start from scratch.
And sometimes you just can't do without the help of a psychologist, because you need ...
- Learn to be yourself.
- Get used to independence.
- Raise self-esteem.
- Wean from self-blame.
- And so on
Nobody cuts off the injury, but a competent approach to the “treatment” of the effects of the abuse will help to overcome everything.
Psychologists advise after such a relationship to drastically change everything that you are able to change: from hair to the city of residence.
Moreover, it is better to start right away from moving to a new city.